COMPLICATED

by Lakshmi Menon l Monday Blossoms l

She came to my house with her daughter Saya, like any other weekend. It has become a tradition now to spend the weekend at my place and I take Saya to school on Monday. Saya’s mother, Nayana was my collage mate. I never paid attention to her at collage but after collage we became good friends through Instagram. She used to ask me why I didn’t saw her at college and I used to joke that it was because of our heights. It is kind of true, I am 6 feet and she is barely 5 feet tall. To tell the truth I have seen her with her friends but never thought she would become an indispensible part of my life.

Saya was hugging me tight as I lift her up and carried her to the kitchen. I was cooking like always. With Saya my house seemed to light up and have a good fragrance which was never there before. It was always like that, may be that is the reason I loved her. Nayana came in behind us. Saya was already in the kitchen helping with the chappathi I was making. Nayana just sat down in the couch with her eyes closed. I understood that it was a long day for her. I took a beer bottle from the fridge and gave to her. She just took the bottle and drank it slowly. She looked at me with a lost emotion. I have never seen that face like that. She was always that happy go lucky person, who can light up my day with a dirty joke. Now things were different, she has changed; she has this worry in her face every time I see her. I went back to the kitchen and prepared the rest of the meal. We ate together and while we were having the food, we discussed about our plans tomorrow. We thought about many things like driving all the way to the mountains of Mangal which was 64km away. Saya always wanted to go there, but since it would consume lot of time, we kept it for the summer vacation. Finally, we agreed that we would sit at home and do something inside, whatever comes to our mind in the morning, we will do that. Actually, Saya loves to do things at home rather than outside and as Nayana could probably need something relaxing like this.

We were sitting on the couch watching the Disney movie Inside Out. Joy was struggling with sadness to get back to the head office. Nayana got a phone call and she had to take it, so she went to the bedroom. Saya slowly turned to me and looked at me. I noticed that and asked her “What?”

“Do you think Amma will be okay?” she asked me.

“I think she needs to figure out many things, but she is okay because she has you and me.”

“Do you want to marry Amma?”

I never expected that question from her. Did she know?

“Saya, I haven’t thought about it. Do you think your Amma wants to marry me?”

“I do not know about her, but I would love to call you Papa. Not that my Dad is bad or anything. He is good, but he is not you. You are always there with me and Amma. That’s y I love you.” Then she stood on the couch and hugged me tightly. This hug was different. I think she felt safe with me and this small house. She sat in the couch and watched the movie like before. To tell the truth I was not able to go back to that. I did not know that Saya already thought about this, even though she is just 10.

After some time Saya was already asleep in the couch. I took Saya to her room and tucked her in. Nayana was still stressed, so I asked her if she wanted something to drink. We agreed on Vodka and she poured it in two glasses and drank while watching some new show in Netflix. It is usually me who will be watching this kind of show with guns and grandees and Nayana will read something with her earphones plugged in with some music. Today she was the one who wanted to watch something and I wished with all my heart that she would read today.

“What did they say??” I asked her.

“They want her Jay. They want Saya to be with her father as her mother is a workaholic, drinking woman who have male friends. They are saying it will be a bad influence on her.”

I knew she was in the verge of crying, but I knew she will not.

“What did you say?”

“What did I say? Their argument was that I was a characterless woman and it was my fault that all of this is happening. I don’t know how to react to that. Yes, I love my job. Yes I drink alcohol and I have male friends… I have you. I don’t understand that after 2 years of divorce they are still doing this.”

“Hey. Listen to me. It is not your fault. He wasn’t there for you. He was also a career driven person. It is my fault that yours. I came into your life and ruined it.”

“This is not your fault Jay. I am alive because of you. If I did not find you, I will be dead by now. I am sure of it. You were there for me. When I had the panic attacks. During my terrible mood swings you were there to hold me tight and take care of Saya and I am sure he wants Saya because he thinks that she loves you more than him.”

I thought about this. Saya was there in my life even before she was born. When Nayana had the labor pain, he wasn’t around. Her family was there yet she called me. I saw her in the hands of her grandmother. Saya was stubborn. She did not want any help to raise Saya expect from her husband. He wasn’t around. He was working abroad. She sent her parents and his parents back to home when Saya was one year old. Her husband used to come for two weeks in some months and take Nayana and Saya with him to his home. He did not want to stay in city when he is here. I always felt that he might have loved Nayana, but not in a way she wanted love. It was a dutiful love than passionate or adventurous love. Nayana is impulsive. She gets bored easily at the same time she gets excited easily. If you know how her brain and heart works, you won’t be bored in your life too.

“Speaking of Saya” I continued after a pause. “She asked me something today.”

“What?”

“She wanted to know whether I will marry you or not.” I said looking into her eyes and with a little smile.

“She asked you that?!” Nayana was surprised too.

“Yes, she did and told me that she will be okay if we want that.”

“She is matured than we thought. She knew things. Sometimes she says things which are really a surprise from a 10 year old girl.”

“Or may be, we are the ones who complicate things and she can make things easy.”

“Yeah. We are not going on an easy way. I hope she can maintain this easiness in her whole life. After a certain age we think that everything is complicated, you know. Like, ‘if it is not complicated, it is wrong’. We become stupid and from there it is one stupid thing after other we won’t be able to stop.”

She was right. At some point we stop choosing the easy way or the way we want. We do many things which we don’t feel right but still feel the right way. May be, Saya gave Nayana and me a chance to do what we want rather what is right. Well no body cares about us anymore. We are the bad influence in the society, corrupting young mind by teaching them disloyalty and recklessness. Well people can’t accept a man and woman in love outside marriage. I used to think so too. Still I couldn’t help myself from falling in love with Nayana and her daughter. Each step I took in this relationship I have heard in my head this is wrong but it felt right. May be I am wrong in the eyes of millions, but that little girl I would I die for sleeping soundly in the next room, she don’t think so. She understands that I love her mother and her mother love me too. That is all that matters to me now. I really don’t care what others have to offer to me. Saya is as much my daughter as she is of Nayana’s. She did not come from me but she will learn how to be herself and do what she really wants from me.